Mental Health Tips for Mamas: Mom Guilt

May 12th was Mother's Day and I took to my social media account to ask mom friends about what they wish people would talk more about with regards to mothers' mental health. I hope to unpack each of them (eventually), but let's start with the most common answer: MOM GUILT.

Mom guilt defined: the feeling of guilt or shame that some mothers experience when they perceive that they are not living up to their own, or society's expectations in their role as a mother.

Some examples:

Feeling constantly torn between work and home and experiencing guilt when we have to work, or work long hours or feeling bad for not "contributing" to the family's finances.

Feeling shame when we do anything to enjoy ourselves without our kids (concerts, dates, getaways).

Feeling bad for sending our children to school too early because we need more 'me time' or to work or to manage the home or feeling guilty for sending our children to school later because we cannot afford to send them to school early.

(no, it seems we can never win)

Putting ourselves down for not being able to prepare a meal or lunchbox like XYZ on instagram or do fun DIY activities and have a clean and tidy home like 'other moms' seem to.

The list goes on.

So what do we do about this?

Firstly I wouldn't recommend to quickly shut it down. (after all, it just comes back). Rather, the invitation is always to be curious. All our emotions have a purpose, even the yucky ones. So it's important to tune into the message that's hiding behind the guilt. Usually, it's because there's something that's important to us. Guilt is an emotion that is governed by social behaviour / social norms (the expectation to do good to others / the fear that we are harming others). So -- assuming you are not directly harming anybody -- the first thing we need to check with ourselves is...

is my guilt coming from something that is important to me,

or something that I have been told "should" be important to me?

In other words, whose values are these feelings of guilt coming from -- my personal values or somebody else's? And of course to consider whether these things that I feel are important really are that important. For example -- 10 years from now, will it matter to your child that you left a pile of dishes in the sink overnight?

Secondly, and leaning into values -- it's important to explore what your own values are not only as a mother, but also as a person! Mothers can sometimes be so fused into our role that it consumes our entire identity -- so remember that there is also a woman in you that has her own values outside of mothering too. For example, some mothers may have values that lean more towards individuality, independence, and fun whereas others may have more 'communal' values or are more conservative. Whatever it may be, remember that choosing a path doesn't have to be rigid -- fun / filling your cup may look differently for you now than it used to five years ago, take time to explore and discover what brings you a sense of joy and groundedness.

One way to think about your values as a mother is to consider the values that you were raised with, and how you feel about it. Is there something you wanted differently, or something that you cherished that is important to you? Perhaps you grew up in a home with a working mother, and you appreciated that because it taught you independence and empowerment or maybe you didn't like it because you felt lonely in your childhood and you prioritise being a more hands on mom. Other values around discipline, communication and parental involvement are important to consider too. The reality is though, that it is rarely either 'this or that'. We often want it all. So that brings me to point three -- acceptance, and four -- commitment.

Point three -- acceptance. We only have 24 hours a day. We only have 100% to give (just kidding, we are moms we have 150% ). Sometimes it seems like our values clash -- being effective at work is important, but so is being an engaged parent. It's impossible to cut our values / responsibilities to an equal amount. C'est la vie. So focus on workability: what is the right balance for you and your family that helps your unit to function. And yes, it will look differently from that lady on instagram or your other mom friends. Look to one another for ideas and inspiration and not for comparison or competition! And the balance will likely be tipped over again when there is a change in the environment / family: eg. when a child is sick, or when you're taking on a new project, or someone starts going to school or a change of jobs. Adjust the ratio when needed.

Point number four -- commitment: turn your values into small actions (that reflect what matters to you) and commit to doing what you can with whatever resources, time, and energy that you have.

It doesn't have to be extravagant like taking your kids for a holiday , or writing a novel. Think of doing something 5% better than how you're doing it today, and keep going from there. For example, if you have been working on a project and have been occupied all week -- make a commitment to read a story for 5 minutes with your kids before bed, or to drive them to school the next morning (and have a chat in the car) and then do something bigger (an outing or fun activity) when your work project is done!

And lastly, be kind to yourselves, ladies.

Just because you can pour from an empty cup, does not mean you just keep going.

Make giving to yourself a priority too.

Anyone who had ever been parented by an 'empty cup' would probably agree.

Giving to yourself will mean more love to give to your family.

Be gentle with yourself, and if you find that hard --look up a mantra or an affirmation that resonates with you to serve as a reminder that you are human, and you are trying your best.

And to the fathers -- I had promised a friend I will add tips for dads to help mums too!

If you've made it to the end of this post, yay you!

1. Women need reassurance, and they need to be reminded! It may even be difficult for them to let you know that they are struggling. So assure your wife that it's okay for her to take time for herself. In fact, she's probably waiting for you to offer it: "you haven't seen your friends in a while -- I can be with the kids while you go out". or "you've been talking about this art class for awhile now, why don't you sign up for this weekend?"
   

2. And regularly offer verbal support and validation. "I see how much you do in trying to balance giving to the kids and our home (or work). Thank you" "You're more present after you have had time for yourself. How can I help so that you can do more of this?"
   

3. Make expectations / role management explicit. Mind reading and assuming just ain't fun! Divide responsibilities and check in with each other on how things are working or not working. Remember that you are a team and if that one of you aren't happy, the others in the team will feel it -- so work together.